


Train to Chicago (thought I could clear my mind)

by sunshinesvt



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Chicago (City), F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mingyu's emo too, like emo to the max whoops, non-au, sorry I was emo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 12:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11275269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinesvt/pseuds/sunshinesvt
Summary: Mingyu wanted so desperately to reach out, card his fingers through Wonwoo’s hair or intertwine their fingers or anything, just to touch him.But Mingyu knew better. If anything, Hansol was a lesson. “Hyung,” Mingyu said softly. “Our profession doesn’t allow for love.”Wonwoo stayed silent for a couple of moments. Mingyu’s hands stayed where they were, twitching in his lap with the effort it took not to reach out to him.orHansol breaks. Mingyu drowns. Chicago (and Wonwoo) help him breathe again.





	Train to Chicago (thought I could clear my mind)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from “I Dream of Chicago” by Parlours.

Out of all the places that Mingyu has been, he decides that he likes Chicago the best. When asked about Chicago, he would remember the clear air, the pretty skyline, and how Wonwoo’s dark eyes lit up underneath the Chicago sun.

He would also remember Alex, David, and Nick, the college students who had shown him, Hansol, Wonwoo, and Seungcheol around the city in the week before their concert in town. Their faces were frozen in his memory, bright eyes and smiles that made Chicago significantly less harsh than it seemed.

The days spent in Chicago were spent well-- eating American food, experiencing the college experience alongside their American college friends, watching Hansol flirt shamelessly with Alex, laughing alongside Seungcheol underneath the chilly night sky, and feeling his heart beat faster whenever Wonwoo so much as smiled at him.

Chicago was so much freer, Mingyu thinks, than Seoul.

 

  
The door slammed, followed by a harsh silence reverberating through the room as the members all paused in response. Mingyu looked up from where he was sitting on the living room couch to see Hansol standing by the door, fists clenched by his sides and looking like he was trying very hard not to cry.

None of the members made a move towards him. Out of the corner of his eye, Mingyu could see Jeonghan carefully putting down his mug on the counter before shooting a glance at Seungcheol.

Mingyu put his phone back in his pocket. He could hear his own breathing in the silence of the dorm and it made him incredibly uneasy. He thought about getting up to comfort him, since he had a inkling of an idea as to what made Hansol so upset, but he forced himself to say seated since he would probably unintentionally end up saying something embarrassing and most likely offensive.

Wonwoo meandered out of one of the rooms, before freezing in his spot when he noticed the tense atmosphere of the room. His dark eyes looked at Hansol and then found their way to Mingyu. Mingyu shrugged helplessly.

All the while, Hansol stood frozen by the door, eyes brimming with tears, unmoving and unwavering.

“Hansol,” Mingyu heard from beside him, the soft voice belonging to Seungkwan. Hansol’s eyes remained trained on the floor. “Hansol,” Seungkwan said again, trying very hard to be soothing.

Hansol’s eyes flickered up, and Mingyu flinched from the harsh look in them. “Did you do this?” Hansol demanded. Seungkwan was silent. “Did you do this?!” Hansol repeated, yelling this time.

“Hansol!” Seungcheol said from his place in the kitchen. Hansol spun around to face him.

“Did you?!” Hansol yelled, this time at Seungcheol. Seungcheol shook his head.

“Hansol,” Seungcheol said again, this time much softer. “Go to your room. Calm down.”

Mingyu watched helplessly as Hansol stood in his place, unmoving. “No,” Hansol said, and the anger in his voice dissipated in a flash. “No,” Hansol muttered again. “No, no, no, no, no.”

Suddenly, his shoulders started to shake. “No,” Hansol whispered, burying his head in his hands. Mingyu stood up wordlessly and wrapped his arms around Hansol’s smaller form.

“I love her,” Hansol muttered softly, but in the silence of the dorm, all the members could hear him very clearly. “I love her.” Mingyu carded his fingers through Hansol’s light hair.

No one knew what to do or what to say. They all watched in silence as Mingyu stood there, his arms wrapped gently around Hansol.

What do you do when one of your members falls apart in front of you? How do you protect someone from a broken heart?

 

  
Everyone moved around the dorm with careful movements, the tension never quite going away fully. Hansol moved around mindlessly, the circles under his eyes growing with each passing day. Mingyu never really knew what to do.

So he called David. David, who would know what to do.

“Hello?” David answered the phone, his voice rough with sleep. Shit, Mingyu forgot all about the time difference.

“Hey,” Mingyu replied. “Sorry for waking you up so early.”

“It’s fine,” David laughed. He had a nice laugh, even in the morning. Through the phone, Mingyu could hear rustling beside him. He was probably getting out of bed to avoid waking up Nick. “What’s up?”

Mingyu didn’t know what to say. “How’s Alex?” He asked. That was a pretty good question to ask. He patted himself on the back.

David sighed. “Fine, I guess. She’s been sort of MIA since she got back though. I never really hang out with her anymore. She sort of just throws herself into her studies now.”

Mingyu hummed in response. David continued. “I think it’s some sort of coping mechanism, you know? Like if she only focuses on studying, then she’ll spend less time thinking about Hansol and how much she misses him.” He paused. “It’s not healthy.” Another pause. Mingyu didn’t know what to say. “How’s Hansol?”

“He’s fine,” Mingyu said. It was far from the truth. “He misses her. He walks around like he’s lost all the time and he doesn’t really sleep as much anymore. And he won’t really talk to anyone anymore.”

David hummed, and then chuckled bitterly. “Guess that’s what a broken heart will do to you. I guess we should’ve seen it coming.”

 _Maybe we should’ve,_ Mingyu thought.

 

  
Wonwoo came to find him that night. He plopped onto the bed beside him, throwing his thin legs into Mingyu’s lap. Mingyu looked up from the blank document on his computer, away from the non-existent rap part that he had been writing.

“I’m sad,” Wonwoo said, his deep voice vibrating through Mingyu’s chest. Mingyu just looked at him. “Hansol’s sad, and it’s making me sad.”

“There’s nothing we can do about it,” Mingyu said. “They broke up with each other, and it’s not really any of our business.”

Wonwoo hummed, thinking. He had his hands behind his head, and Mingyu didn’t hesitate to take the opportunity to drag his eyes across Wonwoo’s long torso. He was wearing a white t-shirt and Mingyu could make out the muscles underneath it.

“I’m still sad,” Wonwoo said, and Mingyu watched his chest rise and fall with each word. “She made him happy, you know? I liked her.” Mingyu nodded.

He liked her too, with her soft voice and cheerful eyes and sweet smile and amazing brainpower. He liked the way she made Hansol happy most of all, whenever she would press a kiss to his cheek or stumble over words in Korean while he teased her endlessly. But deep down, he knew it wouldn’t have worked. Pledis never would have allowed Hansol to date her officially and publicly, not when she was a Chinese-American college student who lived in the United States. There were complications written all over it, and she was far from the ideal match that Pledis wanted for one of the most handsome members of Seventeen.

“Maybe it’s just the life we signed up for,” Mingyu said, shrugging. “He’s an idol. He knew it, she knew it. They knew what they were getting into.”

Wonwoo sighed. “But I thought that if anyone could make it work, it would’ve been them, you know? They loved each other, shouldn’t that be enough?”

Mingyu studied Wonwoo’s face. His eyes were dark as he looked back at him, and he just looked so young and so soft, despite him being older. Mingyu wanted so desperately to reach out, card his fingers through Wonwoo’s hair or intertwine their fingers or anything, just to touch him.

But Mingyu knew better. If anything, Hansol was a lesson. “Hyung,” Mingyu said softly. “Our profession doesn’t allow for love.”

Wonwoo stayed silent for a couple of moments. Mingyu’s hands stayed where they were, twitching in his lap with the effort it took not to reach out to him.

Suddenly, he swung his legs out of Mingyu’s lap. “I guess it doesn’t allow for happiness either,” he said, almost sadly. Mingyu tried to ignore the hollowness in his chest as he watched Wonwoo leave.

 

  
Mingyu couldn’t take it anymore. They weren’t even promoting or anything, just practicing and writing and recording for days on end. But the atmosphere in the dorm never lifted. It was almost as if one broken heart had made everyone’s heart break.

Mingyu could feel it creeping up his spine everyday, more and more unsettling as the days passed by. The feeling of unease crept slowly into his life, until he didn’t want to do anything but sleep all day. He didn’t know what had happened, or what had caused it.

Seungcheol tried his best as a leader. Hansol eventually started to talking to people again. There was just something underneath it all. It was as if the members were finally beginning to understand what their life, their career, meant. What they had to give up. Hansol’s dark eyes reminded them every morning.

Minghao cornered him in the kitchen one day. “Mingyu,” he said firmly but softly. “What’s up with you?”

Mingyu stared blankly back at him. “Me?” he asked. “Shouldn’t you be asking Hansol?”

Minghao rolled his eyes at him. “Hansol’s obvious. You, on the other hand, you’re just as bad as he is, but no one can even begin to guess what’s up with you.” Mingyu furrowed his eyebrows.

“I guess I just miss Alex,” Mingyu said finally.

Minghao sighed in response. “We all miss Alex,” Minghao said. Mingyu remembered. Aside from him and Hansol, Minghao was probably next closest to her. They liked to talk in Chinese together, Alex preferring it over Korean and Minghao enjoying the ability to talk in his mother tongue once in a while. “What is this really about?”

Mingyu didn’t know.

 

  
It all came to a head one day, when the feeling had crept up his spine for far too long. They were in the recording studio, when suddenly, Mingyu felt like he couldn’t breathe. Wonwoo was sitting behind him, gently humming the melody of their new song. The melody felt far away, and Mingyu felt like he was swimming underwater. The words of the song echoed in Mingyu’s head. _Because the words “I love you” aren’t enough._

He watched Wonwoo with wide eyes. The other man kept humming, sounding far away, as he scribbled on a piece of paper in front of him, seemingly oblivious.

Mingyu knew what he was feeling, and he knew what he wanted, but he also knew what he wasn’t allowed to have.

After a while, Wonwoo seemed to have noticed Mingyu’s eyes on him. He looked up questioningly. The questions were written all in his gentle eyes, and Mingyu flinched, standing up suddenly.

“Mingyu?” Wonwoo asked, his hand coming up to circle Mingyu’s wrist, something that he would never do in public.

Mingyu shook him off. He had to get out.

 

  
Mingyu had stood before David’s door for what felt like an hour before he opened it. David’s eyes were still bleary from sleep, and his hair stood up in about ten thousand different directions. His expression quickly turned into shock.

“Mingyu?” David said. “What are you doing here?”

“Is your spare room open?” Mingyu asked. David nodded, and stepped aside to allow Mingyu into the room after a moment of hesitation. Mingyu entered, luggage in tow.

 

  
Nick had wandered out of the main bedroom an hour later, when Mingyu was still sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the cup of coffee in front of him.

Nick smiled softly at him, before ruffling Mingyu’s hair. Mingyu could hear David in the shower.

“What’s up?” Nick asked, in English. His blond hair and green eyes contrasted David’s distinct Korean black hair and black eyes combo. Mingyu thought it made them look nice.

Mingyu had been getting better at English, but he didn’t know how to describe how he was feeling, not to Nick. Not that he would’ve been able to describe it in Korean to David either. He still felt like he was underwater, everything feeling far away and as if he was in a daze.

When David got out of the shower, his hair still dripping water down his back, Mingyu found his voice and told them a shortened version of what happened.

He left Seoul. He packed his bags up from the dorm before any of the members could get back and notice, bought the first plane ticket he could to the first place he could think of, and left. The warmth of Wonwoo’s hand still burned on his skin.

He could see the look that David and Nick shared when they thought he wasn’t looking. He could almost hear their thoughts. He had left Seoul in almost the same fashion that Alex had left Seoul weeks before.

 

  
Mingyu slept for days. The feeling of exhaustion never lifted off of his chest. He didn’t want to do anything except lay there. When he wasn’t sleeping, he was staring at the ceiling for hours on end. His phone lay abandoned on the nightstand, having long run out of battery after all the missed phone calls and texts.

Alex found him two days after he arrived. She barged into his room, full of the force and the life that Mingyu remembered her having. Her dark eyes flashed at him before she stopped at the side of his bed.

“Kim Mingyu,” she said harshly. “What do you think you’re doing?” Her Korean was better than he had remembered it being. He supposed that that was what happened when you dated Hansol for over a year.

“Sleeping,” he said, as if that was the answer she was looking for.

Alex sighed, and the trace of the smile that he had come to associate with her remained absolutely absent from her face. She looked different, Mingyu thought. Softer around the edges, he supposed. Not as put together and strong as she was before.

“And why are you sleeping here? In Chicago? Halfway across the world from where you should be sleeping, in Seoul?” she asked.

Mingyu shrugged. “I couldn’t stay in Seoul anymore.”

“Why not?” she asked. Mingyu shrugged again, and then turned on his side so his back was to her.

“Seungcheol called.” Mingyu chose not to remark on her lack of formalities. They were past that at this point. “He wanted to know if I had seen you. What do you want me to say?”

“Whatever you want. You can tell him I’m here if you want.” Mingyu replied. “Just don’t make me go back there.”

She was silent. Mingyu almost thought that she had left. “Why’d you leave?” she asked again, and she sounded so tired. Mingyu almost turned around again, just so he could smooth out the furrow he knew was between her eyebrows.

Mingyu didn’t know how to answer. He just knew he had to leave. “I couldn’t stay in Seoul anymore,” he repeated.

This time, Alex did leave.

 

  
Alex spent a lot more time at David’s place now that Mingyu was there. David told him as much. David also told Mingyu that he needed to get it together and get out of the house once in awhile.

“Troubles don’t just stay away forever,” he had said. “You need to sort it out before I stop fending Seungcheol off and he flies out here to whip your ass.”

Mingyu just stared at him. David had something that neither he or Alex or Hansol or Wonwoo or any of the others could hope for anytime soon. Happiness.

David was happy, in some way that Mingyu deeply wished that he could be. The ache grew in his chest again when he watched David wrap himself around Nick as Nick cooked for them, both of them talking softly about their days as Mingyu watched from the couch. David would spin Nick around and kiss him softly before Nick would shove him off again so that the food wouldn’t burn. Mingyu’s chest continued to ache.

In the days that Alex joined him on the couch, he felt better. They never really said much. He just sat there as Alex studied, writing down equations. Occasionally, they would talk about meaningless stuff, like a new idol group or a chemistry concept that was kicking her butt. They always stayed away from the topic of Hansol and Seventeen. It was almost as if there was a giant piece of red tape keeping them away from going there.

One day, about a week after Mingyu had shown up on David’s footstep, Alex showed up dressed in a sweater and scarf, a change from the usual t-shirt and sweatpants she sported.

“Get up, lazy ass,” she said. “We’re going out.”

Mingyu stared at her blankly. “Are you deaf?” she asked, rolling her eyes. “We’re going out. I just turned in a really hard report and I need to get some fresh air. Get dressed.” She pushed him towards his room. He had never been really good at resisting her.

Chicago was pretty, something that Mingyu had forgotten but was easily remembering. At night, the lights sparkled prettily against the dark sky, the stars not visible. Alex wandered beside him, her arm tucked easily into his as they walked alongside the river.

They didn’t say much, but Mingyu allowed Alex to pull him along as they continued to walk. He enjoyed the air here. It felt colder and freer than the air in Seoul.

“Do you miss Seoul?” he found himself asking unconsciously. Alex looked up at him. He almost punched himself in the face. Of course she missed Seoul.

Alex didn’t say anything for a while, and they continued to walk alongside the river. “Yeah,” she said eventually, her voice soft against the dark of the night. Mingyu shivered in the cold. “Seoul felt like home, you know? And I missed you a lot,” she said, turning to smile at him. Mingyu smiled back. “I missed talking to you about pointless stuff. I missed Wonwoo too. And Seungcheol. And Minghao.” Hansol’s name went unsaid, but Mingyu could feel the spike of sorrow in her tone.

“I missed you too,” Mingyu said. He had. Alex, despite dating Hansol, had managed to become friends with all of the group. She was closest to the hip hop unit, of course, considering how they had met, but she had become close with Joshua and the Chinese members as well due to their ability to converse more freely than with the limited Korean she knew. They all loved her too, and the group had unanimously declared her worthy of Hansol. It just didn’t last.

“Do you miss Seoul?” she asked in return, the grip on his arm tightening. Wonwoo flashed across his mind, his dark eyes and soft smile, before Mingyu shook it out. “Yeah,” he said. “How do you not miss your home?”

 

  
When they returned that night, David and Nick were curled up on the couch watching a Korean show. Nick didn’t understand most of it, but he was seemingly okay with just curling up into David’s side. Mingyu smiled at the sight in front of him.

“I almost forgot what Wonwoo looked like,” Alex said from beside Mingyu. He looked at her confused, before following her eyes to look at the TV screen in front of them. Wonwoo was MCing, dressed in a plain tuxedo. Mingyu felt his breath escape from him. He looked good, Wonwoo always looked good, but he looked thinner, and the makeup didn’t stop Mingyu from noticing the darker circles beneath his eyes.

Suddenly, Mingyu felt the urge to leave, to flee again. He turned on his heel and ran into his room, ignoring the way that Alex called after him.

Alex followed him anyways, voice soft. Mingyu didn’t listen, simply collapsed on the bed, his chest heavy. He missed Wonwoo.

Alex came closer to him, and then curled up next to him on the bed. Mingyu didn’t move.

“Mingyu,” she said quietly, and Mingyu closed his eyes to her voice. “What’s going on?”

He didn’t answer. She poked him in the side. He sighed.

“I feel like I’m drowning,” he said. Unbidden, Hansol’s tear-rimmed eyes came to mind.

Alex didn’t say anything for a moment. “Is this about Wonwoo?” she asked hesitantly.

Mingyu shook his head. It was about Wonwoo, to some extent, he supposed. At the same time, it wasn't though, not really. It was about what Mingyu couldn't allow himself to have. What he couldn't allow himself to feel.

It had all been Hansol’s fault, Mingyu decided in his head. Ever since Hansol slammed that door, Mingyu had been messed up.

Mingyu snapped back to the present to see Alex looking up at him, a sad look in her eye. “You know,” she said, carefully, very carefully, and Mingyu prepared himself for what she would say next. “You remind me of myself sometimes.”

Mingyu must have looked confused. Alex smiled sadly, putting her hand softly on his chest and moving it in comforting circles. “You get this look in your eye sometimes, one that I’ve only really seen in the mirror.” Mingyu continued to stare.

Alex chuckled, but it sounded sad to Mingyu’s ears. “Sometimes I wonder which one of us is the _real_ heartbroken one.”

Mingyu stared at her, his eyes wide.

“Why did you come to Chicago?” she asked again, but much softer than before. “Of all the places in the world that you could have gone, why did you come to Chicago?”

Mingyu shrugged. It was the first place he thought of, he guessed. “You’re here,” he said softly, and Alex laughed under her breath. “And I like the air here. It helps me clear out my mind.”

“Did you?” she asked. “Did you clear out your mind?”

Mingyu shook his head. “Not yet, but I’m getting there.”

 

  
Mingyu had decided a long time ago that girls weren’t really his thing. And no matter how good Alex looked tonight, in her high-waisted jeans and tight crop top outfit that showed off her thin body and long legs that always drove Hansol up the wall, Mingyu simply couldn’t bring himself to feel anything for her.

The house was full of college students, drinks in their hands and moving their bodies mindlessly to the music. Alex was making out with some boy in the corner, and Mingyu had to pretend like it wasn’t bothering him. Instead, he let himself be chatted up by girls and responded in broken English.

The guy Alex was making out with was good-looking, Mingyu gave her that. He knew that Alex had a certain appeal about her. She had drawn Hansol in, after all, and Hansol was very hard to draw in.

He watched her, the feeling of wanting to do something similar rising high in his throat. But he knew that he couldn’t. He was an idol, for god’s sake. Idols couldn’t just go around hooking up with people at college parties.

Suddenly, he felt extremely old. Mingyu was still young enough to be in college, and he probably around the same age as the older students in attendance. Still, he couldn’t help but feel older. Maybe it was his life. Maybe it was what he had been through. Maybe it was his job.

Either way, he couldn’t be there anymore. He stalked over to Alex, pulled the swollen-lipped boy off of her, and then proceeded to drag her out of the party and onto the sidewalk.

He called David to come get them. David showed up ten minutes later, as Alex had clung onto Mingyu, muttering drunkenly into his chest. When David came, Alex flung herself onto him.

“You look Korean,” Alex said, giggling. “I like Korean boys.” Mingyu rolled his eyes. She had way more to drink than he did. Mingyu, for the most part, was sober. Alex was clearly not.

“Let me tell you a secret,” she said, still giggling. “I fell in love with a Korean boy. His name was Hansol. I think he was my soulmate.” She still smiled up at David. David was frozen, staring back at her. Mingyu froze as well.

“But I left him,” she said, tears suddenly welling up in her eyes. “I loved him and I left him.” David shushed her, and then looked helplessly at Mingyu. Mingyu shrugged back. He wasn’t good with emotions.

“I wish he wasn’t an idol,” she continued. “Maybe we could’ve been happy.”

Mingyu looked helplessly at her. Maybe they could’ve. If Hansol wasn’t an idol.

 

  
As the days passed, Mingyu felt like he was getting better. He didn’t feel the same overwhelming urge to sleep all the time. Alex helped. Just having her around was nice, even if they never really talked about what it was that was bothering both of them. Mingyu mostly thought it was the air in Chicago that helped him.

One day, about two and a half weeks after he arrived, he overheard David on the phone in the living room. He was speaking in Korean. Mingyu remained behind the door of his room, just listening to David’s voice.

“He’s getting better. They both are. I think just being here is helping him out, although I don’t think that Mingyu even knows what is really going on. Alex works less and talks more. Mingyu doesn’t sleep as much. Sometimes they even go out together instead of just hanging around in my apartment.” A pause. The person on the other side was talking. Mingyu bet on Seungcheol.

“Why he would come here? No, I don’t know. I just know he needs time. He’ll tell us on his own eventually. I know Alex has some thoughts on it, but she’s not sure if she’s right.” Another pause. Seungcheol was probably asking what Alex thought.

“Alex thinks it has something to do with Mingyu not knowing what it is that he wants. Or what to do. All we know is that he came here pretty soon after Hansol and Alex broke up, but what would that have to do with anything? Unless Mingyu himself felt a personally connection to it and related to it, but that doesn’t make sense since Mingyu hasn’t dated anybody. And why would he come to Chicago? All he has here is me, Nick, and Alex. He claims it’s the air here that makes him think, but I think it has to do with the people that are here. Why else would he come here, out of all the places in the world that he could’ve gone?

“Alex thinks it has to do with me and Nick. The first time you met us, Mingyu was pretty surprised to see a same-sex couple, let alone one with a Korean man as half of it. I mean, we’re gay and we’re happy and I’m Korean, which is something that he probably doesn’t see back in Seoul a lot. And if it has something to do with his sexuality, then it makes sense why he would leave Korea instead of just staying in the country to clear his mind.

“But why us? Why does he need to come here? It might be because he’s gay, but Alex thinks that that’s just a small part of it. I mean, we all knew about Mingyu’s preference, even though he never said anything about it, and Mingyu’s never seemed uncomfortable with the idea.

“She thinks that it has to do with her and Hansol. They broke up and then he comes to find her not even two weeks later? I don’t think that it’s just Mingyu being confused about his sexuality, I think it mainly has to do with him not knowing if he can ever have a relationship, not when he’s an idol.”

Mingyu breathed out deeply. There was silence in the living room.

David continued.

“But I don’t think that that would be a big deal unless he wanted to be in a relationship. I mean, he saw how Hansol and Alex fell apart, but so did all of the rest of you, and you guys are fine. So why is Mingyu reacting like this? Because he wanted what Hansol and Alex had, but he can’t. Not when he saw how it fell apart. Not when it fell apart because Hansol was an idol. I think Mingyu has convinced himself that he can’t have a relationship, not when he’s an idol. And I think that’s what’s hurting him, and that’s why he needed to leave and come here. Why he needed to escape from his life for a little bit just to be with the one person who would understand how it feels to fall in love with an idol. Because he needs to remind himself that while Nick and I can be in a healthy relationship, people like him and Hansol can’t.”

Another silence. Mingyu breathed.

“Who?” David asked. He laughed. “Seungcheol, if you haven’t figured out who it is that Mingyu’s in love with, then you’re an idiot.”

 

  
After that, Mingyu let himself think. Everything David, and Alex, had said was true. Unconsciously, he had made those decisions. He just needed to think about what it was that was bothering him.

More importantly, he let himself think about Wonwoo again.

 

  
“Alex,” he asked that night. “Why did you leave Hansol?”

She looked up from the bowl in front of her, stopping mid-chew. They were in her apartment for once. Alex had been complaining that she was tired of David and Nick’s poor attempts of interior design. Mingyu thought that her place was hardly any better.

When Alex didn’t say anything, Mingyu continued. “I mean, if you loved him, shouldn’t you have stayed with him? Isn’t that how relationships work?”

Alex scoffed. “Don’t be naive,” she said, rather harshly. “If loving him was all that we needed for a relationship to work then we would last forever.”

“So why didn’t you? Last forever, that is?” Mingyu asked. He knew the answer, but he asked anyways. He needed to hear it, for the harsh truth to be consolidated in his mind once and for all.

Alex sighed. She knew that he knew why. “Because he’s an idol and dating an idol is really hard, especially when you live halfway across the world and are the complete opposite of what someone dating an idol, more specifically, Choi Hansol, should be.”

She paused. Mingyu stayed silent. “Look Mingyu,” she said, sounding very tired. Mingyu noticed that it seemed to be a recurring theme with them: always being tired. “I loved, and still love, Hansol more than anything. Loving Hansol was one of the easiest things I have ever done in my entire life, but dating him was really hard. It didn’t really matter how much I loved him, I guess, not when there were so many other things pulling us apart. _Because sometimes the words “I love you” just aren't enough_.”

Mingyu nodded. “But if you loved him, shouldn’t you have at least tried?”

Alex shook her head. “I left him because I loved him. He had to make a choice, you know. Your management insisted on it. They pressured me. It was either me or his career. Hansol would have wanted to choose me, which would’ve been very idiotic of him in so many ways. So I left him. I figured that if I made that choice for him, then he wouldn’t be able to give up his career on the idiotic whim of choosing me.”

Mingyu sighed. “He loves you.”

Alex smiled, tight-lipped and unhappy. “I know. But he loves being a musician too, and I could never forgive myself if he gave that up for me.”

Mingyu nodded again. There was a choice for him too. He wondered if he could be as selfless as her.

 

  
They came a week later. There was a knock at David’s door, and Alex had looked up from her paper and Mingyu had stopped working on a new rap that refused to get itself out of his head. It had felt good to work on a song for once, after so long.

David wasn't home, so Alex took it upon herself to go answer. Alex swung the door open, and then froze. Mingyu, confused, followed her over.

Seungcheol.

He hadn’t seen Seungcheol in almost a month. His hair was longer and the circles under his eyes were darker.

Seungcheol pushed his way in, and then threw himself on top of Mingyu. Mingyu stumbled, but closed his eyes and hugged him back anyways. Seungcheol, who had practically taken care of him for years. Mingyu suddenly realized how much he missed him.

“Mingyu-ya,” Seungcheol said when he pulled away. He reached up to ruffle his hair. “You look good.” Mingyu leant into his touch.

Alex remained frozen by the door. When Mingyu looked up again, he noticed the two other figures standing in the hallway. Hansol’s eyes never left Alex, and Alex’s eyes remained trained on the floor. Meanwhile, Mingyu felt his eyes drawn to Wonwoo.

Wonwoo was thin. He was already thin before, but it looked like he had gotten thinner since the last time that he saw him. Mingyu’s heart leapt in his throat. The dark circles that had been covered by make up on TV were there for him to see. The older man was wearing all black, but the darkness of his eyes stood out the most. They were trained on Mingyu, bright and unforgiving.

 

  
When David and Nick came home an hour later, the five of them were sitting in the living room, none of them saying a word. Mingyu and Wonwoo continued to stare at each other, Hansol stared at Alex, Alex stared at the floor, and Seungcheol stared at all of them, confused.

 

  
They sat around the table in the dark restaurant, the awkward silence still hanging over their heads from earlier. Seungcheol was trying, Mingyu could tell. David and him conversed in low tones, as if trying not to break the palpable tension that they could feel in the air.

“Mingyu-ya,” Seungcheol began and Mingyu’s eyes flew up from where they were trained on the checkered tablecloth in front of him, “When are you planning on coming back to Seoul?”

Silence settled once again as Mingyu tried to come up with something to say, the guilt rising high in his chest. “I don’t know,” he said rather lamely. He shrugged for added effect.

Seungcheol’s eyes softened. “You know you can’t stay away forever,” he said softly, sounding genuinely sorry about it. “I’ve fended off the CEO for long enough, but he’s getting impatient.”

Mingyu’s cheeks warmed, and he cast his eyes back down again. “I know,” he whispered. “I’ll come back soon.”

“Why can’t you come back now?” Wonwoo’s deep voice shocked Mingyu’s eyes back up. It was the first time that he had heard Wonwoo’s voice in a long time, ever since he left Seoul.

Mingyu looked at the older man, taking him in. From head to toe, he still looked every bit like the Wonwoo that Mingyu left behind. He felt his chest ache. His hand twitched from where it was placed in his lap, desperate to run a hand across Wonwoo’s cheekbones.

Wonwoo’s eyes flashed dangerously. Mingyu remained silent.

David cleared his throat. His eyes flitted across the table nervously, not sure what to do. “Why don’t we talk about something else?” he asked, desperate to relieve even a little bit of the tension. “Alex, how’s bio? Nick was telling me that your lab TA goes really hard on you guys.”

Alex nodded. “Yeah,” she said, full of faux cheer. Mingyu could tell it was a front. “It’s hard but it’s what I signed up for. The TA’s a tough grader, but he’s good at what he does.”

“Is he young? I heard he flirts with you a lot,” David said, a fry halfway to his mouth. He froze. Alex’s eyes widened. Hansol’s eyes flashed dangerously.

None of them said a word for the rest of dinner.

 

  
That night, Mingyu confronted Hansol. It had been decided that Mingyu and Hansol would stay with David, and Seungcheol and Wonwoo would stay at Alex’s. It was easier.

Hansol sat on the air mattress that David had pulled out for him, staring blankly at the space in front of him.

“Hansol,” Mingyu said. The younger looked up at him and smiled softly. Mingyu sat next to him, patting his head affectionately.

“Do you still love her?” Mingyu asked. Hansol scoffed, before he caught the look in Mingyu’s eyes.

“Of course,” Hansol said. “What kind of question is that?”

Mingyu ignored him. “Why’d you let her leave?” he asked. “If you loved her, that is. Why didn’t you go after her?”

Hansol stared at him blankly. “She had made up her mind,” Hansol said slowly. “I didn’t think she wanted me to go after her.”

“She still loves you, you know,” Mingyu said. Hansol closed his eyes, as if that would make what Mingyu just said go away.

“It won’t work,” Hansol said. “Not when she’s already given up on us.” He breathed deeply. “I can’t force someone to be a relationship with me when she has so clearly decided that it wasn’t worth it anymore. And for Alex, it won’t be worth it as long as I’m still an idol. It’s too hard.”

Mingyu hesitated. “One day,” he said slowly. “You won’t be an idol anymore.”

Hansol laughed, the noise harsh to Mingyu’s ears. “Asking her to wait for me until then would just be cruel. I can’t ask her to do that.”

“Hansol,” Mingyu said gently. “You realize that she only left you because she didn’t want you to risk your career right? She said that management had been pressuring her and that she didn’t want you to have to choose between her and your career.”

Hansol scoffed, and then shook his head. “I wish she wouldn’t make choices for me.”

Mingyu smiled to himself. “Then maybe you shouldn’t make choices for her either.” Hansol looked at him, raising his head slowly. “Just talk to her.”

Hansol continued to stare. “When did you get so wise?” he asked, and Mingyu laughed.

“Maybe you should consider your own advice,” Hansol said softly. Mingyu’s smile faded. “I think Wonwoo-hyung would appreciate it.”

Mingyu stared back at Hansol, dumbfounded. “Wonwoo?” he asked, acting as if he had no idea what Hansol was talking about. His heart sank.

Hansol laughed, genuinely this time, before clapping a hand on Mingyu’s shoulder. “Hyung, you don’t think I’m blind, do you? I’m not as oblivious as Seungcheol-hyung.”

“How did you know?” Mingyu manages to force out.

“Hyung,” Hansol said. “It’s fucking obvious. You love him and he loves you.” Mingyu stared at him some more. Hansol rolled his eyes. “Even the majority of fans can pick up on it, and that’s saying something.”

 

  
“You know,” Wonwoo said, after he had opened the door to a bed-headed Mingyu at three in the morning, “I really hate you sometimes.”

Mingyu felt his heart in his throat and the now-familiar feeling of swimming underwater returned to him. “Take a walk with me. The river’s pretty at this time of night.”

Wonwoo raised an eyebrow at him, but grabbed his jacket and pulled it over his pajamas anyways, trailing Mingyu out of the apartment building and onto the riverside path. The night was dark, but the air was clear and peaceful. Mingyu decided that he liked Chicago best at night, when the peace was interrupted only by the sound of his own breathing.

“I forgot how beautiful Chicago is,” Wonwoo said. “But then I see the reflections of the city lights in the water and I’m reminded how much I love this place.”

Mingyu didn’t say anything, just watched as Wonwoo stared out at the river, the lights casting shadows across his face in the most magnificent way possible. Even with his hair sticking up in a million different directions, Mingyu thought that Wonwoo was the prettiest person he had ever seen. His breath got caught in his throat.

“I love you,” Mingyu croaked out suddenly.

Wonwoo froze, his dark eyes reflecting the illumination of the lamps that lit up the path. Mingyu froze with him, his heart thumping wildly in his chest.

It felt like an eternity that they stood there, Mingyu’s fingers twitching within his coat pocket. Suddenly, Wonwoo surged forwards, the shadows shifting on his face beautifully. He grabbed Mingyu’s face softly, before bringing his lips again Mingyu’s cold ones.

Mingyu’s eyes flickered shut. _Just this once,_ he told himself. _I’ll let myself feel this just this once._

Wonwoo’s lips were soft against his, and his body was warm from where it was pressed up against Mingyu’s front. Mingyu couldn’t help but register how well they fit together, from the way their lips slotted together perfectly, to the way Wonwoo’s waist was the perfect size to be cradled in his arms. They kissed underneath the Chicago lamps next to the river, the breeze rustling both of their clothes and hair. Mingyu thought that Wonwoo was the only thing he needed to keep himself warm.

Wonwoo pulled away eventually, needing to breathe. Mingyu followed suit, dropping his arms back down to his own sides and away from Wonwoo’s warm torso.

“I love you too,” Wonwoo whispered, just as Mingyu thought _we can’t do this._

Wonwoo smiled sadly at him, intertwining his hand with Mingyu’s before bringing Mingyu’s hand up to his lips. Mingyu stared at him, and in Wonwoo’s eyes, he could tell that he was thinking the same thing that Mingyu was. _We can’t do this._

“If you asked,” Wonwoo whispered against the skin on Mingyu’s hand, “I would say yes.”

“I can’t,” Mingyu said, the lump in his throat growing bigger.

Wonwoo smiled at him, soft and sad. Mingyu just wanted to kiss him again. Wonwoo brought his hand back down but didn’t move to untangle their fingers.

“I know,” Wonwoo whispered.

Mingyu wondered if this is what Hansol felt when he slammed the door to their dorm a month ago.

 

  
Seungcheol told him that they would return to Seoul tomorrow, and that Mingyu would come with them. Mingyu couldn’t breathe.

 

  
Alex cried when they left. Hansol did too, but he waited until they were safely out of sight before doing so.

 

  
The minute he stepped off of the plane in Seoul, Mingyu felt like suffocating. He instantly missed the air in Chicago.

 

  
“I love you,” Wonwoo would whisper at night, when Mingyu couldn’t sleep.

“I love you too,” Mingyu would whisper back, accompanied with a soft brush of Wonwoo’s lips against his.

But Mingyu would never ask, and Wonwoo would only just smile knowingly.

 

  
The minute their next round of promotions finished, Mingyu called Alex. She came to Seoul within the week.

Mingyu had forgotten how intoxicating her presence was. For the first time in a long time, he smiled and laughed wholeheartedly. He could almost forget how much he was suffocating. Almost.

“You know,” Alex said one day, while they were laughing at something dumb over a bowl of rice in the restaurant below the dorm, “Hansol asked me to date him again.”

Mingyu looked at her dumbly. “He did?”

“Yes,” Alex said. “He brought it up in Chicago months ago, and then again when I saw him again when I came back to Seoul.”

“What did you say?” Mingyu asked, watching the color slowly rise into Alex’s cheeks.

She shrugged. “I can only refuse Hansol so many times,” she said. “How do you say no to someone you love?”

Mingyu processed this. He was happy for her, he really was, but he couldn’t stop the bitterness from rising within his throat. “What happens now?” he asked. “How are you going to make it work this time?”

Alex smiled at him happily over her bowl of rice. “It won’t be easy,” she said. “It’ll be really fucking hard. But I love him, I really do. I think I realized that being without him was harder than being with him. And I’ll wait for him if I have to.”

“Will you be happy?” he asked.

Alex nodded, and Mingyu was suddenly reminded how similar her and Wonwoo were. They both had the same shining eyes. “Hansol makes me happy,” she says softly and her smile widened. “I think it’s worth it, even if it gets hard.”

Mingyu smiled back at her, his canines pointing out in that way that he knows the fans love. He couldn’t get Wonwoo out of his head.

“I’m happy for you,” Mingyu said, trying very hard to be genuine.

Alex looked at him weirdly. “What?” he asked sharply, when she wouldn't stop.

“You could be happy too,” Alex said, a furrow growing in between her eyebrows.

Mingyu shook his head. “Alex, I can't.”

Alex shook her head back at him. “You mean that you won't.”

 

  
“Seungcheol-hyung,” Mingyu said, forcing the leader to look up from where he was working on the rap part to one of Jihoon’s new tracks.

“What’s up?” Seungcheol asked, his mind still clearly trying to come up with words to fit the meaning and the beat of the song. It was a cute song, all about being crazy in love with someone or something, and Seungcheol wanted to do it justice.

“I love Wonwoo.”

Seungcheol just blinked at him. “OK?” he asked, gesturing for Mingyu to continue.

“You’re not angry with me?” Mingyu asked.

“No?” Seungcheol looked positively confused. “Why would I be?”

“You know,” Mingyu said, gesturing helplessly at the air. “Since he’s a member and a guy and all. Are you really not angry with me?”

Seungcheol stared at him. Mingyu began to feel a little uncomfortable. Usually Seungcheol knew what to do in most situations, but he was also good at making Mingyu feel jumpy.

“No,” Seungcheol said finally, with a heavy sigh. He ran a hand through his hair. “I could never be mad at you for loving Wonwoo.”

When Mingyu didn’t reply, Seungcheol asked, “Is that it?”

“Um,” Mingyu muttered. “There’s more.”

Seungcheol gestured for him to go on. “I-” Mingyu started, and then stopped. What was he supposed to say? How does he let Seungcheol know how he feels?

Seungcheol took in Mingyu’s clearly uncomfortable body posture and leaned forward so that he was looking at Mingyu. “You love Wonwoo but you don’t want to be in a relationship with him, but at the same time, it’s making you completely miserable?”

Mingyu gaped at him.

Seungcheol sighed and then leaned back in his chair. “You’re obvious, you know?” Seungcheol said, laughing a little. “Plus Alex told me.”

 _Traitor_ , Mingyu thought darkly. “So what do I do?” he asks out loud.

“What do you want to do?” Seungcheol asks.

Mingyu thinks for a second before shrugging. “I want to hold his hand, I guess,” Mingyu said. “And kiss him a lot. And take him on dates.”

Seungcheol nodded. “Then do it.”

Mingyu sighed and slouched back in his chair. “I can’t,” he muttered.

“Why not?”

“It’s just that, you know,” Mingyu gestures helplessly in the air. Seungcheol doesn’t help him out this time. “It’s hard. I mean, we’re both idols and we’re both in the same group and the relationship is bound to fail at some point, just like Alex and Hansol’s did.”

“Yeah, but they’re back together, aren’t they?” Seungcheol asked. Mingyu nods after a beat. “Look Mingyu, relationships are bound to be hard, even if they’re just regular-people relationships. Yeah, being an idol making being in a relationship hard, but it doesn’t make it impossible.

“Plus, with you and Wonwoo, I can definitely see the two of you working it out. You work, you know?” Seungcheol jabbed at the air with his pencil as if to make a point. “You’re giggly and out of control all the time, while he’s mellow and subdued. You do wonders in balancing each other out, and you’re good for each other.”

“Wonwoo’s ice frozen, and you're the only fire that melts him,” Seungcheol continued. He suddenly stuck a finger in the air. “That's a good rap line, I'll write it down.”

Mingyu stared blankly at him. Seungcheol hummed. “I think I’ll give Wonwoo the line, it suits him, doesn't it?”

Seungcheol smirked at him wickedly and Mingyu resisted the urge to throttle him.

“Mingyu-ya,” Seungcheol said, putting his pencil down and leaning forward. “You're good for each other. And you love each other. Being an idol in a relationship might be hard, I mean, we’ve seen how Hansol and Alex are. But you can’t say that it’s hard without trying it first.”

“Frankly,” Seungcheol continued, barely giving Mingyu a chance to breathe, “it’s kind of cowardly for you to not even try. And it’s kind of an insult to Wonwoo that you won’t even try, when you supposedly love him so much.”

Mingyu frowned at that. Seungcheol had a point. “I love him so much,” Mingyu whispered, just loud enough for Seungcheol to hear. “Sometimes I feel like my heart will burst because of how much I love him.”

“Then,” Seungcheol said, with a very poorly disguised grin spreading across his face. “I don’t see what the problem is. If you love him, then surely he must be worth it, right?”

Mingyu thought, and then nodded firmly.

 

  
That night, Wonwoo whispers “I love you” in Mingyu’s ear, and Mingyu thinks of Seungcheol and his pencil jabbing dangerously close to his eye.

“Wonwoo,” Mingyu says. Wonwoo looks at him, his dark eyes dancing with the light flooding into the room.

“Mingyu? What is it?” Wonwoo asks, when Mingyu doesn’t continue. He almost sounds afraid.

Mingyu decides that he’s not really good with words or emotions and has never really been good with words and emotions, so he just pulls Wonwoo into his arms. Mingyu waits until Wonwoo relaxes into his chest before he presses a kiss to Wonwoo’s temple.

“Be with me,” Mingyu whispers against Wonwoo’s skin.

Wonwoo freezes against his chest. “I’m with you right now,” Wonwoo says, voice straining in the effort to be light-hearted.

Mingyu doesn’t let up. “Be with me, Wonwoo. Please.”

Wonwoo pulls away, staring deep into Mingyu’s eyes. Mingyu decides that he’s never met anyone with eyes as beautiful as Wonwoo’s.

“Are you asking?” Wonwoo asks hesitantly. Mingyu rolls his eyes before pressing his forehead against Wonwoo’s.

“Yes,” Mingyu says. “I’m asking.”

“It’ll be hard,” Wonwoo whispers, his breath fanning across Mingyu’s face.

“I know,” Mingyu whispers back. “But I love you and I want to try.” When Wonwoo doesn’t move, Mingyu pulls back and forces Wonwoo to look at him.

“I saw Alex today,” Mingyu says. “And she told me that her and Hansol are getting back together. She told me that she loves him and that no matter how hard it is, she’s willing to try. And that she’ll wait for him if she has to.”

Wonwoo nods. “And while she was saying all of that,” Mingyu continues, “I decided that I love you and that no matter how hard it is, I’m willing to try. And that I will wait for you if I have to. No matter how long it takes.”

“And I’ve thought about it a lot, and I know that being an idol in a relationship is really hard because we can’t do normal people stuff, but Seungcheol said that just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. And all I could think about was how much I love you and how much I want to try because you’re worth all the hardships, Wonwoo. And I know it’ll be hard, but I want to try, I really do, and if you want to try too, I’d really like it if we could give this a shot.” Mingyu takes a breathe from rambling, and then stops.

Wonwoo stares at him, and Mingyu notices the tears building up in his eyes. Wonwoo kisses him then, hands brought up to Mingyu’s cheeks and his lips as soft as ever.

When they pull apart, Mingyu laughs. “Is that a yes then?”

Wonwoo sighs, content, and folds himself into Mingyu’s arms, pressing his forehead against the side of Mingyu’s neck. “It’s always been yes, Mingyu,” Wonwoo whispers into his skin. “I was just waiting for you to ask.”

Mingyu laughs. The feeling of swimming underwater dissipated, and he wondered if this was what being able to breathe felt like.

Seoul suddenly doesn’t seem to suffocate him anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> The song lyrics mentioned in the story are from Don't Wanna Cry and Crazy In Love!
> 
> Feel free to leave feedback!


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